Archives for October, 2009
Monday, October 26th, 2009
If I were to think like everybody else on the planet, maybe some consistency would prevail….
It feels like falling, through a rabbit hole or like your presence is slightly disjointed, like a movie reel skipping and the image jittering. Confusion sets in when your actions unbeknown to you are constantly affecting everyone around you in what they convey as drastic and terribly wrong. All retaliations thereafter are redundant due to disbelief that your silence is the cause of such grief… but then again it’s not the first time silence has put a stop to your life.
It feels like at any second Laurence Fishburne is going to dive out of a helicopter and give me an ultimatum between a blue and red bill. It is THAT disturbing to me, this place we’re supposed to call home. A home shouldn’t feel like this.
As depression sets in you can feel it surround and consume you like a big warm blanket ready to bring together every forgotten thought or dark nagging cloud once dispersed. This blanket however is so unbelievably ironic. As every bad thought enters in and scenarios, potential or reminisced all turns into the same pain and numbs you until you can’t feel it or anything else. They could all bring you back, sit you down and beat you blow after blow, but you’re in what feels like an apathetic, drunken stupor where nothing could possibly touch you anymore. It stops you from verbalising or creating any defence logically necessary, like your mind projects razors into the throat that forces your eyes to just observe the destruction falling around you.
“You may be acquainted with the night, but I have seen the darkness in the day.” – Amanda Palmer
There must come a point, statistically speaking, when someone out of the billions must break through the chaos and actually appreciate my deepened and emotional truth…
if they can get passed my stilted jawline that is.
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Thursday, October 22nd, 2009
So, 24 years old today, the big two four as the teens say. Today I officially become unattractive to all gay men alike…. but at least I get a free boost juice… right?
Now now, let’s not get over-dramatic, we all know life doesn’t end at 24. It’s over at 25!
So with this social theory in pace I have only one more year to fulfill all the things I have yet to experience. Mind you in my, some would say short life, I have experienced more than I would wish on anyone, not even all the-love-of-my-life-assholes-who-don’t-deserve-one-ounce-of-forgiveness. I’ve partaken in an abundance of torturous experiences including operations, near-death experiences, religious oppression, mind-fucks, sexual abrasions and enough heartache to soak the pages of every teen in this galaxy and the next… but there’s that one nagging land I’ve yet to discover. I’ve been given tastes, well, ‘a’ taste. Once. As fleeting as it was, it was a glimmer.
Every year I promise that it’s going to be the ‘happy year’ where regardless of outside stone-throwers I’ll manage to stand above the beaten and bruised, risen high amongst my accomplishments and face my new found reality that I am happy… or at least content. But happiness seems a dish best served microwaved. That’s right! It’s soggy and only seems to last a week at a time.
2009 was not my happy year but since I’ve been rooting for this magical year since my teens I wouldn’t be doing myself any poetic justice if I didn’t hold true for happy 2010. Although we have a couple months to go and hell, it’s spring! So may as well give one last urge of horoscope hopefulness and wish for the best!
In other fundamental anomalies I have recently changed my mobile phone number to escape the haunting grasp of the ex that just won’t die and leave me to wallow in my own misery. The obvious high points of this monumental occasion is that I yes, get to now choose whom in my contact list I WANT to have my new number and also a totally overlooked but in no way trivial occurrence….. The forever cancellation of my life in every myspace/facebook/deviantart/randominternetsiteinserthere aspect in the world from the “love of one’s life’. Yes, the love lost, the love that slipped through your fingers, the love you only began to glimpse, the love you spent 2 years getting over and scrambling over page over page of lyrics to create the songs for your new album. The one you knew you’d never ever ever ever ever ever ever never ever never never never ever hear from again butjustincaseheeverdoeshestillmighthaveyournumber…. and now he doesn’t.
With all the messed-up irony and kinky coincidences in the universe… I never saw this one coming… and wow, what an immense feeling of freedom!
Posted in Careless Scribbled Desire | 9 Comments »
Monday, October 19th, 2009
So I’ve decided to start writing a blog to basically whine and gripe on about the world but possibly even promote any sparks of joy I find, all in the hopes that I might discover some people out there in internet land that may agree with me… or not…
…but i guess that’s hypocritical to the point of this first blog!
Today my bull-dyke roommate told me I wasn’t ‘gay enough’ after I mentioned I never ‘fit in’ in any kind of group or community regardless of sexuality, culture or belief system. She then went on to point out after I said I would use my points of indifference to my advantage that I need to camp it up, be more typical, try to blend in…. in an essence, BE the stereotype. Now anyone that knows me well would know that I prance around in makeup and sing show tunes with the best of them… but still, it’s not enough to be accepted in an already segregated society??? What?
So if you’re placed inside a box, and then the people inside that box still make you feel uncomfortable, we need to break out and do our own thing. Now to be true, I’ve been doing this for years and years without my even knowing. This is probably why I find it difficult to make good friends or fall into relationships as the colours I poses just don’t taste exceptionally well. It’s like my niche pallet is congregating on some far distant taste bud, on another tongue, in another mouth, in another galaxy! It seems plausible that this is why on every step of my musical and social journey everyone has always said NO. You CAN’T do this. You WON’T do that. But I’m here to tell you, if you don’t ‘fit in’ then grab your dissimilar flare and FREAKIN RUN WITH IT!
Uniqueness isn’t celebrated anymore, at least for now it remains unpopular. Queens and fairies are despised, even amongst a community already despised. Anything remotely emo is despised, even more so than phags I’ve discovered. Plus gender ambiguity is a huge ‘no no’ unless of course you’ve already shoved it to the masses and placed yourself up on a freak pedestal. However, this is what you must do!
If you are different, unique, weird, quirky, or not fully accepted even in an oppressed, niche and specific sub-culture of intolerance… Use it all do your advantage. Use it to get to that position in life, use it to make people stare at you on public transport and hold your head up high when you’re confronted by your so called community and told you’re ‘just not right’. For this is the flash that’s going to make you explode and shine, I’m sure of it! I’m going to use my flame to score that radio gig, to sell my albums regardless of whether they love or hate me. To find those few special friends who appreciate me regardless of my oddities and to find that one person to whom I stand out to, bright and brilliant, amongst the crowds of clones.
